Work in Progress is a column about finding your way in the working world. Have a question for Rainesford Stauffer? Send it to TVworkinprogress@gmail.com.
“How do I navigate office politics when it feels like the movie Mean Girls and there’s not an easy way to avoid it?” —Amanda M.
Most of us have run up against workplace dynamics that feel like they’re catapulting us back to the days when we didn’t know where to sit at lunch. This can look like anything from a boss playing favorites, to colleagues not being keen to collaborate, to the vibe just feeling off. As much as we might like to check our workdays at the door, we’re also human and sometimes it hurts.
“We want work to function based on how good we are at our jobs,” Phoebe Gavin, a career and leadership coach, told Teen Vogue. “But we are human beings and we make decisions based on our relationships. So, office politics is how those interpersonal relationships interact with the merit and excellence that we bring to the job to determine who gets what kinds of opportunities.”
Here’s how you can navigate these sometimes uncomfortable dynamics at work.
Why do relationships at work matter to begin with?
We don’t have to buy into the phony idea that work is a family to want a workplace that feels welcoming and supportive and where that kind of treatment is reciprocal. We know that what happens at work impacts overall well-being — from physical health to mental health and stress. Jessica R. Methot, associate professor at Rutgers University School of Management and Labor Relations, notes that the knowledge and skills we’ve developed help us do our jobs effectively, but usually, we can’t and don’t do it alone. “We’re always asking others for help, advice, feedback, and support, and, over time, we develop trust, friendship, and solidarity with our colleagues,” Dr. Methot explained.
“It is really important, especially early in your career, to focus not just on getting good at your job, but also getting good at building those strong workplace and industry relationships,” Gavin said. The old adage, “it’s who you know” might come into play, and combined with what you do and who knows you, it can add up to a successful career you have agency over, she added.
If that sounds transactional, it doesn’t have to be. I’ve watched friends of friends recommend each other for jobs following layoffs. I’ve seen friends go to bat for their colleagues in challenging work situations. And wanting to secure more equitable, sustainable working conditions for you and your colleagues is, arguably, a form of collectivity.
What to do when work feels cliquey.
If your workplace feels like a clique — say, you’re being left off of important email chains or some coworkers don’t seem to be engaging with you — Gavin said the first thing to do is define that: Does it mean other people who’ve been on the team longer seem to have close relationships? If that’s the case, you might be able to do some groundwork to connect with your coworkers and build those relationships so they don’t feel as new, Gavin said.
“On the other hand, if it really is cliquey, where you are being excluded from opportunities, you're being excluded from information, you're being treated in a way that is different from your other colleagues that feels negative to you, that's something you have to talk to your supervisor about,” she added. (The same could be said for microaggressions at work, which might require escalating hostile or offensive interactions and comments. It’s always a good idea to ask your supervisor for support with interpersonal problems, Gavin said. If your supervisor is part of the problem, she continued, it could be in your best interest to speak to their supervisor or with HR.)
“You can say, 'I've been attempting to collaborate with Person X and Person Y on this project that we're working on and I'm having some challenges doing that. Do you have any advice for me about how I could integrate into the group a little better, so we can collaborate better?'” Gavin advised. The trick is to approach it in a way oriented toward solving a problem versus blaming, she added. You could also use this advice to approach a coworker directly if you’re sensing tension.
Handling a boss who is playing favorites (or that you’re not clicking with, pun intended) follows a similar script, according to Gavin. The first step is to reflect on your own performance. “Basically, you want to go in with as few assumptions as possible and invite them to collaborate with you on a solution,” Gavin said.
The best-case scenario is they offer actionable feedback. The worst-case scenario is they get defensive and that might be an indicator it’s time to think about leaving. “It's not your job to fix somebody's company culture,” Gavin said. “It's your job to create the best career that you can for yourself.” Any reflection you’ve done on your performance will serve you in roles throughout your career, too.
When interpersonal workplace dynamics just feel off
Dr. Methot offered a strategy that can help alleviate what she called “relational stressors.” First, isolate two to three micro-stressors that really matter, she explained, by asking whether it’s significantly affecting your daily emotions or behavior. Second, identify the source by asking who is creating the problem for you. Next, identify a productive response, perhaps finding someone you can talk to or a way to decompress. Then you disconnect from the stressful person or people where possible: Is there someone who can assist you with a certain coworker? Is it possible for you to disengage from this person?
Cultivating personal networks beyond work can be helpful too, according to Dr. Methot, whether it is through hobbies or community groups related to a common interest. This can help prioritize healthy relationships. At work, she also suggested looking at your “broader collaborative network” to figure out who could help you. That might look like crowdsourcing tips to manage a particular stressor or even asking if someone else could assist a team member you’re struggling with.
You can still set boundaries.
Building rapport with your colleagues doesn’t have to mean that you become best friends. Some of it comes down to treating others the way you want to be treated. But you can — and should — set boundaries, whether that’s disengaging from a coworker who never wants to communicate in good faith or sharing only certain things at work.
There can be a balance between building a rapport with your colleagues and still having boundaries. “It's not that you have to show up and bare your soul to all your coworkers every day,” Gavin said. You can redirect conversations that feel too personal, but even asking people how their day is, goes a long way, Gavin added.
When we think about toxicity in the workplace, Gavin said, a lot of it stems from ignoring people’s humanity at work. Treating each other with empathy and respect is one small way we can rectify that — and it’s not asking too much to want that in return.
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